- Name the issue.
- Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change.
- Describe your emotions about this issue.
- Clarify what is at stake.
- Identify your contribution to this problem.
- Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
- Invite your partner to respond.
You have sixty seconds to do it all. Let’s take these components one at a time.
- Name the issue. The problem named is the problem solved. Name the behavior that is causing the problem and the area the behavior is impacting. If you have multiple issues with someone, ask yourself what’s at the core, what’s the theme, the commonality of all or most of your issues with this individual. Do the thinking to name the central issue; otherwise, the conversation will lack essential focus and you’ll both end up lost and frustrated. For example, after thinking about everything that had occurred, Sam began his opening statement with these words; “Jackie, I want to talk with you about the effect your leadership style is having on the team.”
- Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change. Since you’ve got only sixty seconds in which to make your entire opening statement, this example must be succinct. No long stories. Besides, if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone who went on and on citing all the details about whatever you did that upset her, at some point either your eyes glazed over, you shut down, or you began building your defense. By the time she came up for air, you were loaded for bear. So keep this short. Must you have an example? Absolutely. When someone is upset or disappointed with us but can’t think of a specific example that illustrates what is irritating him, his case loses credibility and is easy to dismiss. Take the time to think of an example that hits the nail on the head. Let’s stay with Sam. For example: “I learned that when John was asking questions, you told him you didn’t have time for private tutoring sessions and that he should work it out on his own time. I also learned that during a meeting with the team, you tore a page off the flip chart, wadded it up, threw it on the floor, said that this wasn’t the team you had signed up for, and left the room.”
- Describe your emotions about this issue. Why do this? Because emotions are deeply personal. Telling someone what emotion his or her behavior evokes in you is intimate and disarming. You are letting the person know that you are affected, that you are vulnerable. Contrary to popular opinion, I believe it actually has quite an impact to say, quietly, “I am angry,” if anger is what you feel. It helps a lot if you aren’t yelling and waving your arms. Perhaps you are concerned, worried, sad, frightened, or frustrated. Describe whatever emotion is true for you. If you are sad or afraid, say so. Such emotions are experienced both at work and at home, and it is appropriate to admit them. For example, Sam’s words were brief yet personal; “I’m deeply concerned and I am fearful of the possible consequences.”
- Clarify what is at stake. In other words, why is this important? What do you feel is at stake for the individual whose behavior you are confronting? What is at stake for yourself, for others, for the customer, for the team, for the organization, or for the family? What is at stake for the relationship? Use the words at stake. Those words have an emotional impact. Heads will raise and eyes will lock when you say, “This is what is at stake.” Talk about this calmly and quietly. What you say during a confrontation should be delivered not in a threatening manner, but simply as a clarification of why this is important. For example, Sam said: “There is a great deal at stake. A long-term employee has considered leaving the company rather than work with you. I am not prepared to loose good people who I hope will be here long after you’ve gone on to your next assignment. Meeting our deadline is essential. Our reputation as a product leader is on the line, as well as our professional pride, pleasing our customers, and considerable financial gain. Perhaps there’s little or nothing at stake for you, Jackie. If it doesn’t work out and you leave us, you can undoubtedly get another job quickly, but for us the stakes are high.”
- Identify your contribution to this problem. This is your answer to the quest, “How have I behaved in ways guaranteed to produce or influence the very results with which I am unhappy?” Before we confront another’s behavior, it is essential that we first look at the ends of our own noses. No long confession is needed here. With sixty seconds, you couldn’t do that if you wanted to. What is appropriate here is a brief acknowledgment that you recognize any role you may have played in creating the problem and that you intend to do something about it.
I have often realized, to my chagrin, that my primary contribution is in not communicating clear expectations from the outset of a relationship or project. This may seem obvious, but the majority of problems I see in both professional and personal relationships are due to a lack of accountability to appropriate expectations. As you think about behaviors you wish to confront, you may see that most are ones you could have anticipated. By being clear up front regarding which behaviors and results are acceptable and which are not acceptable, you can avoid many problems, and you’ll have a simpler task if you need to go back and remind a coworker or family member of the expectations he or she agreed to when the relationship began. For example, you might say: “I have contributed to this problem by not reviewing your priorities and due dates with you. I will correct that.” Or: “I’ve contributed to this problem by not letting you know months ago how upset I was. Instead, I withdrew, and consequently, our relationship deteriorated even further. For that, I am sorry.” If you believe you did not contribute in any way to the problem, leave this part out. Sam recognized that he should have dealt with this sooner. He noted: “My role in creating a growing rift between you and others is that I did not bring it to your attention earlier.”
- Indicate your wish to resolve the issue. Use the word resolve. It shows that there is no firing squad waiting outside the door. This is not a termination or an ending. In fact, when this model is used to confront a behavior or issue, more relationships are saved than ended. To say “This is what I want to resolve” communicates good intent on your part. Additionally, you should restate the issue. That way you will have come full circle, beginning and ending with absolute clarity about the topic on the table. Sam said, for example: “This is what I want to resolve with you, Jackie – the effect your leadership style is having on the team.”
- Invite your partner to respond. When our own behavior has been confronted, it may have felt as if a court had found us guilty and we had simply been called in to learn the date and manner of our execution. In this model, however, there has been no attack. Instead, there has been an extraordinarily clear and succinct statement describing the reality of this particular behavior or issue from one person’s point of view. We have been reassured that the intent is to resolve the issue. Now the invitation is offered for us to join the conversation. And the conversation has barely begun. For example; “I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please talk to me about what’s going on with you and the team.”
*From the book: Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time
By: Susan Scott, Ken Blanchard
Berkley Trade / 2004 / Paperback
